"Dad, What's Masturbation?" - Kid's Questions

On Valentine's Day this year my son called me from the passenger seat of his best friend's grandmother's Lexus SUV.

"What's masturbation Dad?"

Ever run into anything like that?

I'm writing about this in response to an essay from Paul Graham that surfaced recently called "Lies We Tell Kids."

[For those of you who don't know Paul, he's sort of a dark DaVinci with a track record for creating wealth from concepts through teams of people... After massive success creating what became Yahoo Store, he began Y-Combinator, a tech VC incubator project.]

When my son called me with this question I was lucky.

I had an answer. I'd been thinking about it for two years. Just allowing the proper answer to surface.

This is near and dear for me. I'm in the process of introducing Online Courses for parents to learn methods of raising children without lying.

I answered his question without lying.

Two years ago, when he was six, my son Romeo and I went to a 20/20 Video store which specializes in new, used, and adult DVDs. Their selection is broad and the set-up is family friendly. All the commercial releases are set up in racks in the front of the store. The back third of the store is walled off w/ a curtain for the adult titles.

We were scanning titles one day and I looked around at one point to notice my son had disappeared. I called his name and began looking for him. A moment or two later he popped out of the adult section, red-faced and embarrassed. This is a huge moment for impacting the child positively or negatively.

"Romeo, come here," I said to him.

He wouldn't come.

I knelt down to be on his eye level and it was clear he knew this moment was important to me.

"Come here," I said, opening my arms to him.

He wouldn't move.

I moved toward him on my knees and he backed slowly away.

"You're not in trouble," I told him.

"I don't want to come to you," he told me clearly.

"It's your choice," I replied. "You are big enough to decide what to do with your body."

He softened.

"And... this important for us to talk about. I'll be ready in the next day or two, and I encourage you to let me know when you are ready too."

He softened some more.

"Okay, Dad."

Two days went by.

We were sitting on the couch and between commercials I paused the DVR and said, "I'm waiting for you to let me know when you are ready to talk about what happened at the store the other day."

He flushed, but seemed open.

"Tell me if now is the time," I stated.

He nodded.

"So, tell me what that was like for you."

He froze.

"Tell me if you liked what you saw and are interested in learning more, or if it was not interesting to you."

Quietly, he said, "I'd like to know more about that."

"Tell me what you know about it so far," I encouraged.

"It has something to do with making babies and being married," he mentioned.

Not bad. At that age to connect sex and porn to marriage and babies with little prior context. I was proud of him.

"Well," I said, "we can always talk more about this. There is nothing wrong with bringing this kind of thing to me. My job as your dad is to help you prepare for success in your life. Sex and women and those kinds of movies are a small part of your whole life, and, they are important. So remember to bring all of those kinds of questions to me."

He nodded and smiled.

"Thanks for making that easy, Dad," he said.

"Sure. And just so you know, the way our society is set up, that room in the DVD store is for people who are 18 years old and up."

He looked at me carefully. "So I should probably only go there with you?"

Smiling I replied, "We'll probably wait a little bit until we do that, but we can. One day. And just so you know, wanting to know more about sex and women and marriage and those kinds of movies is perfectly healthy."

So, I wasn't surprised two years later when he called with the question about masturbation.

Just a few weeks earlier we'd been talking about puberty and what to expect. A wonderful friend of mine had been talking about all the hormones and mood swings his 10-year old daughter was going through. It reminded me how much my son prefers to be prepared for changes of any size.

When we spoke about puberty I invited him to tell me what he already knew about it.

"Your voice drops and you start getting really strong and really hairy," he told me.

"And tell me what else you know about it," I encouraged.

"Well, its time to start dating and getting together with girls. They get breasts and want you to spend money on them," he finished.

Hmmm...

"Where did you learn this?" I asked.

"Just around."

"Okay," I replied. "How about I tell you what I think is missing from that."

He nodded.

"Your body is going to be going through a lot of chemical changes inside. The point of them is to help you grow responsible for yourself when you live on your own. They'll steer you into relationships with people so you can learn more about sharing yourself as an adult. Sex becomes very interesting and women become very mysterious. I'm here to help you learn what I know about it and when you need help outside of me you have your Uncle to talk to."

"Okay, Dad."

And that was pretty much it. Until he called me and asked,

"What is masturbation?"

He was with his best friend's Grandmother and both boys had asked her the question to begin with.

She immediately told them they'd have to ask their Dad's.

My son, I'm proud to say, asked if he could call me that minute.

I was renting videos at that time and didn't recognize the number on my phone, but I took the call just sensing that there was some importance to it.

"Dad, I have a question," came his little voice through the headset.

"Sure son, what is it?"

By now you know what he asked.

And I was stoked to give him the info he needed.

"Romeo, remember when we were talking about Puberty the other day?"

"Yes."

"Okay, well this is related. Tell me what you know about Masturbation so far."

"Nothing. I just heard it on an episode of Family Guy."

Great.

"Okay, when people pass into puberty their bodies are going through all these chemical and hormonal changes. Some of the ways they use all that energy are physical. People join sports teams or acting classes or learn to express themselves in new ways. And, some of the energy can only be expressed sexually, which means when two people come together and share their bodies physically. Kinda like in the movies when people kiss, only they take it farther."

"Yeah," he said, to make sure I knew he was listening.

"Now," I told him, "not everyone has someone they can express themselves sexually with and they still need a physical release of that kind of energy. So, for men, they'll play with their penises until sperm comes out and it can make a big change in their quality of attention."

"Okay, Dad. And for women, they play with their vagina?"

"Exactly."

"How soon am I supposed to start?"

"There's no 'supposed to', son. And, I'm pretty sure you'll know when it is," I assured him.

He paused.

"Do you have any other questions?" I asked.

"I don't think so."

"How was that for you? To hear my answer?" I asked.

"Fine," he replied sincerely.

"Did you notice yourself getting uncomfortable?"

"No."

He sounded as though it were no big deal. As if he expected me to have accurate and complete information. He also sounded as though he were totally at ease having this conversation over the phone in front of his best friend and best-friend's Grandmother.

Realizing I'd been on speaker this whole time I asked the Grandmother if I'd missed anything.

"No, I think you got it," she replied. Hearing her embarrassment over the phone I could tell she was eager to wrap this up.

"Romeo? Do you have any more questions about this?"

"Nope," he replied, satisfied. "Talk to you later."

"Okay, if any come up, make sure you let me know," I offered.

We've since spoken once or twice about the topic and it is still with the comfort and ease of that call. Over the years he's realized I'm a safe place to bring this type of thing.

Now I'm no parenting expert. I'm a student. And I'm passionate about raising children to take responsibility for themselves from the beginning.

Teaching children responsibility is a skill. It is a practice. And having the kind of result I'm pointing to above is a choice.

I'm really grateful Paul brought this up because it is really critical stuff. I'm in the process of launching a site for parents who are seeking tools and techniques which can allow them to move their families from struggle to cooperation.

It's all based on the work of Dr. Jayne A. Major, Ph.D. If you are interested in getting some of her best work check out a simple introduction page at Breakthrough Parenting Online and take a peak.

Most of her work is available there with no commitments. For the sake of transparency, she and I are business partners and we are launching a series of offerings in the coming months that speak to this topic of how to raise children very specifically.

I'm grateful to Paul for tackling this one. It is pivotal to our children's futures.

10 Reasons People Don't Read Numbered Lists

I'm sort of kidding, but it seems like it is getting ridiculous how many lists there are. Every blog is a list of "10 Ways To Purr Like A Cat"... or, "100 Things You Can Do With A Broken Light Bulb"...

What I'm not seeing is, "50 Reasons Why I Should Care About Your Numbered List"

True, numbering is just a matter of ordering, categorizing, simplifying, organizing.

And marketers will tell you something different. It is a way to move people through important ideas quickly, and, include valuable information for people who like to read everything.

Numbered lists are all over the Internet.

They've moved from being the highlight of Letterman to being the primary format of nearly every blog post, article, e-zine, listing, and template...

It's gotten to the point where, if it has numbers, it must be important and disposable.

1. If the first three aren't life-changing, your reader is done.
2. If the headline tells the whole story, the rest of the text is wasting time.
3. When you use the paragraph as filler, you lose the reader's interest in the rest of the list.
4. It's too easy to leave things out.
5. It's too easy to include crap. How many times do you see a list that is clearly stretching and making sh*t up, just to hit a certain number?
   
6. Numbers scare some people (only a few, but they are out there).
7. If your list is too long it will take too long to read and most people, even if they're excited about it, will decide to come back later when they have more time. This means they will most likely never come back.
8. If your list is too short people will automatically assume it holds no value. The "Top Three" anything can't really offer much depth.
9. If your list is too obvious, you lose all credibility as an author/consultant/expert.
10. When you sacrifice great prose for a numeric outline you abandon most of the emotional connection your reader is seeking to create with you.

What are some alternatives to Numbering lists?

• Bullets. Those are boring, but they identify a unique idea effectively.
• How about a color-code system that resembles a rainbow? That would be festive.
• Or perhaps a list of barnyard animals that lived on Old MacDonald's farm?
• I'd love to see people using logically ordered symbols that occur in nature.
• Seasons
• Currencies
• Flora
• Car models/makes
• Historic munitions
• Silhouettes of Presidents
• Shapes of building blocks

The possibilities are endless.

1. Figure out a way to let the symbols support your topic.
2. Don't let a specific number determine your list.
3. Let people add to your list.

Like here - I encourage you to add to mine in the comment section below.

What are some other things that the Internet Marketing gurus say to include that make your insides get the purple-squirrels?

I wanna KNOW! So use the comment section below this, and tell me what you think!

Dabbler or Similarist?

I was told recently that a certain book would label me a "dabbler," and I loved that word choice. It connotes play. It connotes fun. It connotes lack of commitment. Well, don't love that so much.

But even last week, a professional associate of mine noticed something else. A different perspective. He pointed out that, even unpaid, my primary skill has been identifying, mapping, and connecting similarities in formerly disparate disciplines. I'm what Bucky called a "generalist."

And what has been grabbing my attention is the seeming collapse of industry. In fact, perhaps what I'm seeing is "selection collapse". I'm noticing that everything is headed in the same direction. Fewer choices. It isn't that there are less choices to make, its that they are made by the time I get there.

Yes, technology splinters into new inventions and new products daily. And the trend seems to be simplification then proliferation. A huge breakthrough takes place and land lines are replaced by cell phones. Thousands of cell phone designs come and go. The iPhone sends most of them on vacation...

And it seems this technology is here much like people are. To celebrate self-expression.

So I'm convinced. The next Internet show, the next Vacuum, the leap in nano-technology evolution, is here to support my physical and spiritual evolution. Yours too.

I believe that one day this blog where ever it may be hosted (am I moving?) will be available via hologram through an organic chip in a voluntary place on your body.

And whenever you want to catch up, it'll be immediately available. And that's nothin'!

The Internet, and code, and dynamic programming is in its infancy. Just like we're seeing feature films move to the lap top and iPod, we will be seeing the Internet move out of boxes and into a highly collaborative medium. Thin air.

And we'll see through this shift that technology is here to support our unbridled self expression. It will allow us to reach the point of human kind. for each of us to empower others to be fully and wholly creatively self-expressed.

I'm dying to know what you think of this blurb. I invite you to use the Comments section below.
It's okay to be first. Technically, I was here writing this first. So don't be shy.

What is your stand on the evolution of humanity and the place of technology in our evolution?

(c) 2008, successful dreamer enterprises

Transitioning an Employee

Many people don't take this seriously enough. It is so easy to look at people as expendable, and our roles as business leaders as impeccable by virtue. The truth is, we have a reputation that precedes us, no matter where we go. And it is through our employees, or former employees, that this reputation is upheld and dispersed.

Let me make a distinction at the start of this article that will serve us well. There is a universe of difference between Transitioning and Terminating. Both have their place. I recommend carrying yourself in business in such a way that Terminating becomes a thing of the past. Because, what's true is, 98% of what would cause a need for Termination lies in the hands of the employer.

Employees are a unique bunch. They want to be loyal. They want to be predictable. They want to know what they'll be doing tomorrow, and the next day, and next week. They want to park in the same place every day. They want to punch in. They want to stand around in the break room for ten minutes and get back to their desk refreshed. They want to staple things, and punch holes in things, and answer things. And they want to know that their desk and their stapler and their phone will be there when they show up in the morning.

In exchange for a safe work environment, what an employer receives is monthly reports, bills paid on time, guests greeted in the lobby, a clean hallway, coffee in the breakroom, and an ongoing sensation of moralle that moves the company forward.

And now, in this world of downsizing and responsive management, there is a spoken assumption taking place that workers know they are expendable.

Having worked for years in the contingent staffing community there would be calls on Sunday evening asking to keep a contractor home for good starting Monday morning. Woah.

Granted those people were contractors and knew they took a risk. And, they're still people.

What so many companies fail to recognize is that they just invested in month of terrible word of mouth. Some companies are willing to take that risk. I hold that there are ways to operate with a longer view than one which arrives at such sudden conclusions.

As an example, I'll cite the company of some of my good friends. Mark Bass and Matt Tapie. I met them in a leadership class and team respectively and I watched them over a six month cycle as they planned their company transition from a General Contractor construction company handling monster custom homes in the then-rich community of South Ventura County.

Realizing that they wanted to move from traditional construction and building paradigm into a paradigm of lifestyle design leading construction by designing teams and the product with choices that range from modular custom homes, to green integrated systems.

"The challenge here has been helping people see what it takes to recognize a technology and include all the parts that will help that get effectively deployed," says Mark Bass. "Theres an architect, the city, codes, planning, materials, interiors, exteriors, a lot of things."

Their transition from a mulitple person construction crew and office to a smaller outfit meant that many people had to go. Instead of waiting until the last minute to deliver a harsh message about the future of each employee, they sat down with each of them about four months before the changes were to begin and had a meeting on the future of home building.

By asking each employee what they thought responsible contractors could do, there was a huge buy-in to the concept of entering new arenas. It didn't take long for those employees to look around and realize a shift like that wouldn't require their services right away either. And, because the company was in the middle of several large jobs, they knew they had income for at least twelve weeks.

The humanity and trust involved in including employees at that level is huge!

Employees want to know what their schedule looks like for a long time to come. If they know they have six weeks to find work. They're cool. There's time to polish the resume, they can interview after work hours or on lunch, they can consider their options. They can speak highly of their current employer. With a letter of recommendation in their hand and a good word over the phone, they can be nearly guaranteed a good spot in their next position. And how do you think that will reflect on you, the former employer?

They'll go the extra mile to defend your name any where, any time.

Here's how Lisa Dodd's last week at Tapie Construction looked.

Arriving a few minutes late from lunch, her manager, Mark Bass checked in. "How was lunch?"

"Good," she said. "Just getting in a little late. Guess I'm on short time."

"Yeah, the last day can be like that," he replied. "Are you excited to start the new job tomorrow?"

"I had lunch with them today. They're so nice," she beams.

"You're going to do great over there," Mark encourages her.

And she logs into her system, types, replies to some e-mails...

"I'm going to miss you guys, though."

That level of affinity is priceless. Now, if Mark ever needs her, or someone she knows, its no problem. And, she leaves for a new employer with all the confidence and comfort that are so useful in a new work environment.

Face it, the changes involved are so scary for a person in the employee lifestyle, it can add exponents of terror if they are coming from a hostile work environment. What Mark did, and what I hope you will do, is plan your business life in such a way that you have a positive impact on your current and past employees.

The loyalty, admiration, trust, and respect that you will get from "making it about the employee," will add more good will to your future than any cost-saving measure you might consider.